Les Dawson

My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex, she objects.
-Les Dawson

Mae West

When women go wrong, men go right after them.
-Mae West

Lenny Bruce

Guys are like dogs. They keep coming back. Ladies are like cats. Yell at a cat one time...they're gone.
-Lenny Bruce

W.C. Fields

Women are like Elephants. I like to watch them, but I wouldn't want to own one.
-W.C. Fields

Rodney Dangerfield

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
-Rodney Dangerfield

Rodney Dangerfield

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof. -Rodney Dangerfield

Woody Allen

I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.
-Woody Allen

Josh Billings

When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.
-Josh Billings

Jack Nicholson

My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a bitch.
-Jack Nicholson

Bod Hope

My father told me all about the birds and the bees, the liar - I went steady with a woodpecker till I was twenty-one.
-Bob Hope

Jay Leno

Bush said today he is being stalked. He said wherever he goes, people are following him. Finally, someone told him, 'Psst. That's the Secret Service.'
-Jay Leno

Anonymous

Skill is successfully walking a tightrope over Niagara Falls. Intelligence is not trying.
-Anonymous

Albert Einstein

Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them.
-Albert Einstein

Elayne Boosler

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I only lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
-Elayne Boosler

Anonymous

What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.
-Anonymous

Charlie Chaplin

A day without laughter is a day wasted.
-Charlie Chaplin

Will Rogers

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
-Will Rogers

Elbert Hubbard

Don't take life too seriously, you'll never get out of it alive.
-Elbert Hubbard

Benjamin Franklin

Early to bed and early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise.
-Benjamin Franklin

Winston Churchill

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
-Winston Churchill

Tim Vine

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin.
-Tim Vine

Emo Philips

Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.
-Emo Philips

Mike Wilmot

Wanna play a joke on your chiropractor? The next time he starts working on you, go limp and soil yourself.
-Mike Wilmot

Ellen DeGeneres

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.
-Ellen DeGeneres

Oscar Levant

Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I.
-Oscar Levant

Harry Hill

Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But one day I turned to my bullies and said - 'Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on it was sticks and stones all the way.
-Harry Hill

Billy Connolly

Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that, who cares? ...He's a mile away and you've got his shoes.
-Billy Connolly

Dan Whitney

I once made love to a female clown, and she twisted my penis into a poodle.
-Dan Whitney

Dennis Miller

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was. She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.
-Dennis Miller

Unknown

The fastest way to make your own Anti-freeze is to hide her nightgown.
-Unknown

Wendy Leibman

My mom was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her voice. For ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father.
-Wendy Leibman

Jack Handey

When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.
-Jack Handey

Emo Philips

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.
-Emo Philips

Monica Piper

I met this guy who said he loved children, then I found out he was on parole for it.
-Monica Piper

Jack Benny

I went to a meeting for premature ejaculators. I left early.
-Jack Benny

Jerry Dennis

A guy at work went in for a competition and won a trip to China. He's out there now...trying to win a trip back!
-Jerry Dennis

Milton Jones

If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that!
-Milton Jones

Drew Carey

You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither!
-Drew Carey

Steve Martin

Don't have sex man. It leads to kissing and pretty soon you have to start talking to them.
-Steve Martin

Rodney Dangerfield

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.
-Rodney Dangerfield

Gracie Allen

When I was born I was so surprised I didn't talk for a year and a half.
-Gracie Allen

Unknown

Join the army, see the world, meet interesting people, and kill them.
-Unknown

Sam Levenson

Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.
-Sam Levenson

Mel Brooks

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.
-Mel Brooks

Mary Hirsch

Humor is a rubber sword - it allows you to make a point without drawing blood.
-Mary Hirsch

Horace Walpole

The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.
-Horace Walpole (1717 - 1797)

Don Marquis

Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
-Don Marquis

George Carlin

I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it'll be much harder to detect.
-George Carlin

Michel de Montaigne

Even on the highest throne in the world, we are still sitting on our ass.
-Michel de Montaigne

Publilius Syrus

It is no profit to have learned well, if you neglect to do well.
-Publilius Syrus (~100 BC)

Woody Allen

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
-Woody Allen

Aldous Huxley

Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored.
-Aldous Huxley

Albert Einstein

You cannot simultaneously prevent and prepare for war.
-Albert Einstein

Anatole France

The average man, who does not know what to do with his life, wants another one which will last forever.
-Anatole France

Oscar Levant

There's a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.
-Oscar Levant

Thomas Jones

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
-Thomas Jones

William Shakespeare

We know what we are, but know not what we may be.
-William Shakespeare

George Bernard Shaw

A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.
-George Bernard Shaw

Carrie Fisher

Instant gratification takes too long.
-Carrie Fisher

Anonymous

There's a skinny woman inside of me just dying to get out. I can usually shut the bitch up with cookies.
-Anonymous

Anonymous

You look somewhat familiar. Have I threatened you before.
-Anonymous

Anonymous

I work only to further my own laziness.
-Anonymous

Anonymous

I'm extremely hesitant of endorsing any plan where the key point is me dying.
-Anonymous

Anonymous

I never said I'm smarter than you, just that you're a fucking retard.
-Anonymous

Anonymous

Do you remever when I told you if I ever saw you again I'd kill you? Guess I forgot to mention I'd be looking for you in the meantime.
-Anonymous

Anonymous

The crown prince is ill, his wife and heir are dead, and the king has died. Leaving a intellectually ungifted man with his trousers on backwards to run the nation.
-Anonymous

George S. Patton

The object of war is not to die for your country, but to make the other bastard die for his.
-George S. Patton

Lazlo's Chinese Relativity Axiom

No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats--- approachimately 1.5 billion Chinese couldn't careless.
-Lazlo's Chinese Relativity Axiom

Greg Evans

Anger at lies lasts forever. Anger at truth can't last.
-Greg Evans

Josh Billings

Silence is one of the hardest arguments to refute.
-Josh Billings

Moshe Dayan

If you want to make peace, you don't talk to your friends. You talk to your enemies.
-Moshe Dayan

Rita Rudner

My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head.
-Rita Rudner

Groucho Marx

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
-Groucho Marx

Dave Meurer

A great marriage is not when the 'perfect couple' comes together. It is when an imperfect couple learns to enjoy their differences.
-Dave Meurer

Luis Bunuel

I'm still an atheist, thank God.
-Luis Bunuel

Kate Clinton

[A] friend told me that each morning when we get up we have to decide whether we are going to save or savor the world. I don't think that is the decision. It's not an eitheror, save or savor. We have to do both, save and savor the world.
-Kate Clinton

Michel de Montaigne

I care not so much what I am to others as what I am to myself.
-Michel de Montaigne

Jack London

You can't wait for inspiration. You have to go after it with a club.
-Jack London

D. H. Lawrence

Be still when you have nothing to say; when genuine passion moves you, say what you've got to say, and say it hot.
-D. H. Lawrence

Robert S. McNamara

Brains, like hearts, go where they are appreciated.
-Robert S. McNamara

A. Whitney Brown

That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.
-A. Whitney Brown

David Richerby

The tooth fairy teaches children that they can sell body parts for money.
-David Richerby

Jean Cocteau

We must believe in luck. For how else can we explain the success of those we don't like?
-Jean Cocteau

Anonymous

"You can't make someone love you. You can only stock them and hope for the best."
-Anonymous

Your's Truly

A Quote by any other name would be but a quote.
-Your's Truly