Abraham Lincoln

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.

Force is all-conquering, but its victories are short-lived.

I am a firm believer in the people. If given the truth, they can be depended upon to meet any national crises. The great point is to bring them the real facts.

I will prepare and some day my chance will come.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power.

No man is good enough to govern another man without that other's consent.

The probability that we may fail in the struggle ought not to deter us from the support of a cause we believe to be just.

Whenever I hear anyone arguing for slavery, I feel a strong impulse to see it tried on him personally.

You cannot escape the responsibility of tomorrow by evading it today.

You may deceive all the people part of the time, and part of the people all the time, but not all the people all the time.

When I do good, I feel good; when I do bad, I feel bad, and that is my religion.

Ovid

Tears at times have all the weight of speech.

Voltaire

Every man is guilty of all the good he didn't do.

God is a circle whose center is everywhere and circumference nowhere.

I have never made but one prayer to God, a very short one: 'O Lord, make my enemies ridiculous.' And God granted it.

If God did not exist, it would be necessary to invent him.

It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.

It is forbidden to kill; therefore all murderers are punished unless they kill in large numbers and to the sound of trumpets.

Judge of a man by his questions rather than by his answers.

Love is a canvas furnished by Nature and embroidered by imagination.

The secret of being boring is to say everything.

There is a wide difference between speaking to deceive, and being silent to be impenetrable.

Socrates

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

Death may be the greatest of all human blessings.

Get not your friends by bare compliments, but by giving them sensible tokens of your love.

If a man is proud of his wealth, he should not be praised until it is known how he employs it.

Remember what is unbecoming to do is also unbecoming to speak of.

The only good is knowledge and the only evil is ignorance.

Think not those faithful who praise all thy words and actions; but those who kindly reprove thy faults.

I am not an Athenian or a Greek, but a citizen of the world.

I decided that it was not wisdom that enabled [poets] to write their poetry, but a kind of instinct or inspiration, such as you find in seers and prophets who deliver all their sublime messages without knowing in the least what they mean.

The unexamined life is not worth living.

Euripides

Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.

The wisest men follow their own direction.

Waste not fresh tears over old griefs.

Slight not what's near, while aiming at what's far.

I have found power in the mysteries of thought.

A bad beginning makes a bad ending.

Time will explain it all. He is a talker, and needs no questioning before he speaks.

Time cancels young pain.

You were a stranger to sorrow: therefore Fate has cursed you.

Leave no stone unturned.

My tongue swore, but my mind was still unpledged.

There is one thing alone
that stands the brunt of life throughout its course:
a quiet conscience.

Sir Winston Churchill

A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject.

All great things are simple, and many can be expressed in single words: freedom, justice, honor, duty, mercy, hope.

An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile, hoping it will eat him last.

From now on, ending a sentence with a preposition is something up with which I will not put.

History will be kind to me for I intend to write it.

I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.

It is a mistake to try to look too far ahead. The chain of destiny can only be grasped one link at a time.

It's not enough that we do our best; sometimes we have to do what's required.

Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing ever happened.

Never, never, never believe any war will be smooth and easy, or that anyone who embarks on the strange voyage can measure the tides and hurricanes he will encounter. The statesman who yields to war fever must realize that once the signal is given, he is no longer the master of policy but the slave of unforeseeable and uncontrollable events.

One ought never to turn one's back on a threatened danger and try to run away from it. If you do that, you will double the danger. But if you meet it promptly and without flinching, you will reduce the danger by half.

Personally I'm always ready to learn, although I do not always like being taught.

Success is the ability to go from one failure to another with no loss of enthusiasm.

The price of greatness is responsibility.

To build may have to be the slow and laborious task of years. To destroy can be the thoughtless act of a single day.

We make a living by what we get, we make a life by what we give.

Don't talk to me about naval tradition. It's nothing but rum, sodomy and the lash.

Confucius

Be not ashamed of mistakes and thus make them crimes.

Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves.

Everything has its beauty but not everyone sees it.

Forget injuries, never forget kindnesses.

I hear and I forget. I see and I remember. I do and I understand.

Ignorance is the night of the mind, but a night without moon and star.

It does not matter how slowly you go so long as you do not stop.

Men's natures are alike, it is their habits that carry them far apart.

Respect yourself and others will respect you.

Study the past if you would define the future.

The superior man, when resting in safety, does not forget that danger may come. When in a state of security he does not forget the possibility of ruin. When all is orderly, he does not forget that disorder may come. Thus his person is not endangered, and his States and all their clans are preserved.

To be able under all circumstances to practice five things constitutes perfect virtue; these five things are gravity, generosity of soul, sincerity, earnestness and kindness.

To see what is right, and not to do it, is want of courage or of principle.

What the superior man seeks is in himself; what the small man seeks is in others.

When anger rises, think of the consequences.

Wheresoever you go, go with all your heart.

Fine words and an insinuating appearance are seldom associated with true virtue.

Have no friends not equal to yourself.

He who exercises government by means of his virtue may be compared to the north polar star, which keeps its place and all the stars turn towards it.

I am not one who was born in the possession of knowledge; I am one who is fond of antiquity, and earnest in seeking it there.

Mahatma Gandhi

Freedom is not worth having if it does not include the freedom to make mistakes.

Hate the sin, love the sinner.

It is unwise to be too sure of one's own wisdom. It is healthy to be reminded that the strongest might weaken and the wisest might err.

One needs to be slow to form convictions, but once formed they must be defended against the heaviest odds.

The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.

Whatever you do will be insignificant, but it is very important that you do it.

When I despair, I remember that all through history the ways of truth and love have always won. There have been tyrants, and murderers, and for a time they can seem invincible, but in the end they always fall. Think of it--always.

You must be the change you want to see in the world.

You must not lose faith in humanity. Humanity is an ocean; if a few drops of the ocean are dirty, the ocean does not become dirty.

What difference does it make to the dead, the orphans and the homeless, whether the mad destruction is wrought under the name of totalitarianism or the holy name of liberty or democracy?

Victory attained by violence is tantamount to a defeat, for it is momentary.

An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind.

Friedrich Nietzsche:

In heaven all the interesting people are missing.

It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering my reasons for them!

No price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself.

Talking much about oneself can also be a means to conceal oneself.

The advantage of a bad memory is that one enjoys several times the same good things for the first time.

The visionary lies to himself, the liar only to others.

To forget one's purpose is the commonest form of stupidity.

What else is love but understanding and rejoicing in the fact that another person lives, acts, and experiences otherwise than we do…?

When one has much to put into them, a day has a hundred pockets.

You need chaos in your soul to give birth to a dancing star.

There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness.

But thus do I counsel you, my friends: distrust all in whom the impulse to punish is powerful!

He who fights with monsters might take care lest he thereby become a monster. And if you gaze for long into an abyss, the abyss gazes also into you.

Only sick music makes money today.

The man of knowledge must be able not only to love his enemies but also to hate his friends.

The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently.

Morality is herd instinct in the individual.

The Christian resolution to find the world ugly and bad has made the world ugly and bad.

Aristotle:

A friend is a second self.

All paid jobs absorb and degrade the mind.

Dignity consists not in possessing honors, but in the consciousness that we deserve them.

Education is the best provision for the journey to old age.

Happiness depends upon ourselves.

Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.

It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it.

Law is mind without reason.

Pleasure in the job puts perfection in the work.

Poverty is the parent of revolution and crime.

The gods too are fond of a joke.

The only stable state is the one in which all men are equal before the law.

To perceive is to suffer.

We are what we repeatedly do.

Young people are in a condition like permanent intoxication, because youth is sweet and they are growing.

It is not always the same thing to be a good man and a good citizen.

Misfortune shows those who are not really friends.

Education is the best provision for old age.

Hope is a waking dream.

Don't Know Authors:

They say that two heads are better than one. In your case, one would have been better than none.

You must have a low opinion of people if you think they're your equals.

If we were to kill everybody who hates you, it wouldn't be murder; it would be genocide!

I don't hold your behavior against you because I realize it was caused by childhood trauma; your parents spanked you when you fell on your head and broke the cement.

I don't think you are a fool. But then, what's my own humble opinion against thousands of others?

Nobody says that you are dumb. They just say you were sixteen years old before you learned how to wave goodbye.

No one should be punished for accident of birth, but you look too much like a wreck not to be.
There was something about you that I liked, but you spent it.

When you get to the men`s room, you will see a sign that says, "Gentlemen." Pay no heed to it. Go right on in.

Yo mama so stupid she stole free bread.

Yo mama so stupid when she read on her job application to not write below the dotted line she put "O.K."

Yo mama so stupid she told everyone that she was "illegitiment" because she couldn't read

Q: What does a blonde say when you ask her if her blinker is on?
A: It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.

Les Dawson

My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex, she objects.
-Les Dawson

Mae West

When women go wrong, men go right after them.
-Mae West

Lenny Bruce

Guys are like dogs. They keep coming back. Ladies are like cats. Yell at a cat one time...they're gone.
-Lenny Bruce

W.C. Fields

Women are like Elephants. I like to watch them, but I wouldn't want to own one.
-W.C. Fields

Rodney Dangerfield

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
-Rodney Dangerfield

Rodney Dangerfield

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof. -Rodney Dangerfield

Woody Allen

I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.
-Woody Allen

Josh Billings

When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.
-Josh Billings

Jack Nicholson

My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a bitch.
-Jack Nicholson

Bod Hope

My father told me all about the birds and the bees, the liar - I went steady with a woodpecker till I was twenty-one.
-Bob Hope

Jay Leno

Bush said today he is being stalked. He said wherever he goes, people are following him. Finally, someone told him, 'Psst. That's the Secret Service.'
-Jay Leno

Anonymous

Skill is successfully walking a tightrope over Niagara Falls. Intelligence is not trying.
-Anonymous

Albert Einstein

Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them.
-Albert Einstein

Elayne Boosler

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I only lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
-Elayne Boosler

Anonymous

What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.
-Anonymous

Charlie Chaplin

A day without laughter is a day wasted.
-Charlie Chaplin

Will Rogers

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
-Will Rogers

Elbert Hubbard

Don't take life too seriously, you'll never get out of it alive.
-Elbert Hubbard

Benjamin Franklin

Early to bed and early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise.
-Benjamin Franklin

Winston Churchill

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
-Winston Churchill

Tim Vine

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin.
-Tim Vine

Emo Philips

Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.
-Emo Philips

Mike Wilmot

Wanna play a joke on your chiropractor? The next time he starts working on you, go limp and soil yourself.
-Mike Wilmot

Ellen DeGeneres

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.
-Ellen DeGeneres

Oscar Levant

Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I.
-Oscar Levant

Harry Hill

Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But one day I turned to my bullies and said - 'Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on it was sticks and stones all the way.
-Harry Hill

Billy Connolly

Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that, who cares? ...He's a mile away and you've got his shoes.
-Billy Connolly

Dan Whitney

I once made love to a female clown, and she twisted my penis into a poodle.
-Dan Whitney

Dennis Miller

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was. She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.
-Dennis Miller

Unknown

The fastest way to make your own Anti-freeze is to hide her nightgown.
-Unknown

Wendy Leibman

My mom was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her voice. For ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father.
-Wendy Leibman

Jack Handey

When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.
-Jack Handey

Emo Philips

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.
-Emo Philips

Monica Piper

I met this guy who said he loved children, then I found out he was on parole for it.
-Monica Piper

Jack Benny

I went to a meeting for premature ejaculators. I left early.
-Jack Benny

Jerry Dennis

A guy at work went in for a competition and won a trip to China. He's out there now...trying to win a trip back!
-Jerry Dennis

Milton Jones

If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that!
-Milton Jones

Drew Carey

You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither!
-Drew Carey

Steve Martin

Don't have sex man. It leads to kissing and pretty soon you have to start talking to them.
-Steve Martin

Rodney Dangerfield

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.
-Rodney Dangerfield

Gracie Allen

When I was born I was so surprised I didn't talk for a year and a half.
-Gracie Allen

Unknown

Join the army, see the world, meet interesting people, and kill them.
-Unknown

Sam Levenson

Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.
-Sam Levenson

Mel Brooks

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.
-Mel Brooks

Mary Hirsch

Humor is a rubber sword - it allows you to make a point without drawing blood.
-Mary Hirsch

Horace Walpole

The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.
-Horace Walpole (1717 - 1797)

Don Marquis

Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
-Don Marquis

George Carlin

I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it'll be much harder to detect.
-George Carlin

Michel de Montaigne

Even on the highest throne in the world, we are still sitting on our ass.
-Michel de Montaigne

Publilius Syrus

It is no profit to have learned well, if you neglect to do well.
-Publilius Syrus (~100 BC)

Woody Allen

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
-Woody Allen

Aldous Huxley

Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored.
-Aldous Huxley

Albert Einstein

You cannot simultaneously prevent and prepare for war.
-Albert Einstein

Anatole France

The average man, who does not know what to do with his life, wants another one which will last forever.
-Anatole France

Oscar Levant

There's a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.
-Oscar Levant

Thomas Jones

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
-Thomas Jones

William Shakespeare

We know what we are, but know not what we may be.
-William Shakespeare

George Bernard Shaw

A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.
-George Bernard Shaw

Carrie Fisher

Instant gratification takes too long.
-Carrie Fisher

Anonymous

There's a skinny woman inside of me just dying to get out. I can usually shut the bitch up with cookies.
-Anonymous

Anonymous

You look somewhat familiar. Have I threatened you before.
-Anonymous

Anonymous

I work only to further my own laziness.
-Anonymous

Anonymous

I'm extremely hesitant of endorsing any plan where the key point is me dying.
-Anonymous

Anonymous

I never said I'm smarter than you, just that you're a fucking retard.
-Anonymous

Anonymous

Do you remever when I told you if I ever saw you again I'd kill you? Guess I forgot to mention I'd be looking for you in the meantime.
-Anonymous

Anonymous

The crown prince is ill, his wife and heir are dead, and the king has died. Leaving a intellectually ungifted man with his trousers on backwards to run the nation.
-Anonymous

George S. Patton

The object of war is not to die for your country, but to make the other bastard die for his.
-George S. Patton

Lazlo's Chinese Relativity Axiom

No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats--- approachimately 1.5 billion Chinese couldn't careless.
-Lazlo's Chinese Relativity Axiom

Greg Evans

Anger at lies lasts forever. Anger at truth can't last.
-Greg Evans

Josh Billings

Silence is one of the hardest arguments to refute.
-Josh Billings

Moshe Dayan

If you want to make peace, you don't talk to your friends. You talk to your enemies.
-Moshe Dayan

Rita Rudner

My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head.
-Rita Rudner

Groucho Marx

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
-Groucho Marx

Dave Meurer

A great marriage is not when the 'perfect couple' comes together. It is when an imperfect couple learns to enjoy their differences.
-Dave Meurer

Luis Bunuel

I'm still an atheist, thank God.
-Luis Bunuel

Kate Clinton

[A] friend told me that each morning when we get up we have to decide whether we are going to save or savor the world. I don't think that is the decision. It's not an eitheror, save or savor. We have to do both, save and savor the world.
-Kate Clinton

Michel de Montaigne

I care not so much what I am to others as what I am to myself.
-Michel de Montaigne

Jack London

You can't wait for inspiration. You have to go after it with a club.
-Jack London

D. H. Lawrence

Be still when you have nothing to say; when genuine passion moves you, say what you've got to say, and say it hot.
-D. H. Lawrence

Robert S. McNamara

Brains, like hearts, go where they are appreciated.
-Robert S. McNamara

A. Whitney Brown

That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.
-A. Whitney Brown

David Richerby

The tooth fairy teaches children that they can sell body parts for money.
-David Richerby

Jean Cocteau

We must believe in luck. For how else can we explain the success of those we don't like?
-Jean Cocteau

Anonymous

"You can't make someone love you. You can only stock them and hope for the best."
-Anonymous

Your's Truly

A Quote by any other name would be but a quote.
-Your's Truly